Friday, July 22, 2011

Happy Birthday, Baby Sammy

A year ago at this time, I was being whisked into emergency surgery, put under anesthesia, completely overwhelmed and in shock.

Fast forward to today and I am still in shock...

In shock that the tiny baby hooked to a ventilator, covered in tubes and wires, bruised and swollen is the healthy, beautiful little boy napping in his crib.

In shock that this little guy has overcome so much, and continues to amaze me everyday.

In shock that I am so so so blessed to be Momma to the sweetest, happiest, blonde-haired peanut.

I admit there are days that I am still angry, resentful, and just sad that we had such a rough start.  I hear about smooth deliveries without complication where the father is able to be present to witness the miracle of birth, and I am angry that I was scared and alone and without Ben for Samuel's delivery.  I look at healthy full-term babies, nursing without problems, not facing frequent visits to the neurologist, therapists, and developmental specialists, and I feel a seed of jealousy in the pit of my stomach.

But then, I look at this face...

And the anger, resentment, and jealousy disappear in an instant.  I wonder why we are so incredibly blessed with this perfect, amazing gift who overwhelms us with joy every day.  Given the choice, I wouldn't have it any other way.  The only thing I'd change is how fast this precious time is flying by.

Happy Birthday, Baby Sammy.  Please slow down this growing up business.  You're going waaaay too fast.

And remember, no one (NO ONE) loves you as much as your Momma.  Yes, your future wife will disagree, but I don't care.  I'll always be your Momma and you'll always be my Baby Sammy.  Even when you are old and gray.


Ben said...

You are the most amazing wife and mother! I still can't believe what you endured that day, I am so lucky to have you!

Mark and Jenn said...

Happy birthday, Sammy and congratulations Ben and Kara for making it to one year- an accomplishment and milestone with any baby, but especially with his traumatic arrival...I'm sure I can't begin to understand, but congrats all the same. Praying that he continues to grow strong. Love you!

Scott and Deb said...

Baby Sammy is so blessed to have you. I was getting teary just looking at your post. Happy Birthday!

Beth said...

Happy, happy, happy birthday, Sammy! Kara--I know exactly what you mean about feeling robbed of a smooth, easy delivery and early months of Samuel's life. There's some gut-twisting level of jealousy that does occur when you see more "normal" birth situations and babyhoods. I truly think there's grief over losing that normal experience. Yet what all those "normal" babes and moms don't have are the extra weeks of knowing, loving, and cheering on a tiny preemie baby. Those weeks and months of fighting bond you like a team that trumps all others! Keep loving every step of your journey with Sammy.

Anonymous said...

Jeez-O-Gosh. Kara..

That is one of the most beautiful and reflective short essays about love, endurance, gratitude and the wonders of the heart I've ever read.

Ever.. Simply beautiful.


Uncle Bob