Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Special Needs

Why do these two words, special and needs when put together make my Momma heart simultaneously sink and bristle?  It's undeniable, my baby boy sees three specialists a week to help him speak, move and develop.  For most of our appointments we go to a wonderful children's clinic full of fish tanks, therapy dogs, toys, bright colors and beautiful murals.  Many of the children in the waiting room are severely disabled, and I tell myself that Samuel doesn't really belong here. That we are just here for extra credit. That's it's all preventative.

And then my bubble of ignorance is burst.  Because Samuel is not walking, physical therapy is suggested.  Low muscle tone is diagnosed.  Leg braces and foot supports are discussed and appointments for fittings are made.  I fall into a tailspin where I question for the millionth time why and what if and if only.  I again question every decision I've ever made regarding both of my pregnancies and give myself a pretty good flogging for not trusting my instincts more and following my natural intuition.  I circle yet again through the stages of grief, faster this time than in the past, but painful nonetheless.  I renew my efforts to speak more gently to myself so that I can hear the whispers of my instincts. When at last I feel acceptance and peace coming around the corner, I get a little nudge from my precious boy.

He decides to start walking.

To be honest, his sister decided he should start walking, and that boy would go to the moon if she told him it was the place to be.  Eleanora flung open her arms from across the room and called to Samuel, "Walk to me!" and he did, just like that.  Again and again they continued this game, each time with Samuel walking further, each time ending in a sweet sibling hug of congratulations.  And as he walks across the room, he gives me a smile that says, relax Momma, we're going to be just fine.

And you know what?  I believe that wise, wonderful little guy.  He knows what he's doing and I'm just happy to be along for the ride.